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For me as a woman in my fourth decade, I’ve consistently thought that politeness is essential, which includes saying sorry when I think I’ve made a mistake. Although I have a fulfilling life, I’ve battled very poor self-esteem. This mix of wanting to respect others and lacking faith in myself has turned me into someone who apologizes frequently. Frequently, it happens so quickly that I’m barely noticing of it. It originates in anxiety and has influenced both my personal and work life. It irritates my close ones and colleagues, and then I get upset when they mention it—which only worsens my anxiety.

Public Speaking and Questioning

This excessive apologizing is especially concerning when it comes to speaking to others or asking questions in front of people. I try to have a script to stay concise and avoid nervous rambling, but even that fails most of the time. As an junior researcher in political science, speaking with confidence is crucial. I’ve attempted to work on this through facing fears, such as instructing groups and pushing myself to ask questions at community gatherings, despite experiencing humiliations from established male academics. I’ve also tried pausing before speaking to become more mindful of when I’m apologizing, but this helps at first before I revert to old habits.

Accepting Myself

I don’t think I’ll ever completely love myself, and I’ve made peace with that. I still enjoy life and find it fulfilling. My main goal is to curb the constant apologizing. I’ve heard that professional help might benefit me, but I question how it can help in practice.

Apologizing is a useful skill, but it must be used wisely. Too infrequent or too excessive, and you place a strain on others.

Exploring the Causes

A counselor might explore where this urge comes from. Inquiries such as, “How early were you when this started?” or “Was it your own idea or inherited from someone important to you?” Sometimes, childhood behaviors that once helped us become harmful in adulthood.

In fact, some of your present actions could be seen as holding yourself back. You are aware it bothers those around you, yet you keep doing it.

Benefits of Counseling

When asked what counseling could do, one approach focuses on staying present rather than striving. Much of effective counseling is about self-reflection, not just problem-solving. A experienced counselor will gently challenge you, offering a safe space to explore and accept who you are.

Instead of direct confrontation, a interpersonal focus with a supportive guide might be more beneficial. This can help you reconnect to yourself and examine how you treat, ignore, and undermine yourself. It can assist in catching self-criticism, stopping it, and finding more kind ways to see things. Your self-assurance can improve from there.

Actionable Tips

Changing ingrained patterns is difficult, especially in stressful moments when apologizing feels like a knee-jerk reaction. But you can start by considering on how apologizing serves you and what it would be like to hold back. Often, it’s an attempt to avoid discomfort or exposure, by admitting perceived shortcomings before others do. This can create a cycle of irritation and anxiety.

Even processing later can be beneficial. Try counting to 10 before responding, or use a prepared reply instead of “I’m sorry.” For example, saying “I see” can make others feel listened to without you taking accountability.

This process will take time, but acknowledging there’s an issue is a important first step toward growth.